It was a year ago to the day that we lost Mr. Siggi in a trail accident in Colorado. Pete and I now seldom even talk about this. We both still feel the loss, and the pain has not diminished at all. I remember all the details, or I think I do. Memory is subjective. I have most likely focused on some details and forgotten others. This is how stories come to be. Otherwise, in the telling we would remember every and all details. And if we did that, it would take as long to recount the story as it was to live it.

It always interests me how after a notable event, one first includes many, many details and then later, in subsequent recollections, clumps details together. For example, early on I listened as Pete went into great deal telling innumerable people about what happened to his horse. Then yesterday I heard him tell someone “we lost a horse in a trail accident a year ago.”

Pete and Siggi at Synergist

What has gone unsaid (maybe it’s implied) is how we both felt at the time of the accident. I was in a state of disbelief for maybe a minute. I then realized that Mr. Siggi was gone. What remained with me was Pete’s outpouring of grief. (I don’t have other words to describe it.) I have since had dreams in which I see him in a similar state of mind. I hope to never, ever see him in this frame of mind again.

So, how to deal? It’s like this – you force yourself to move on, in the same way that you force yourself to do a long list of things you don’t want to do. This is not fun, not easy, and requires considerable mental energy and discipline. What I have been doing when I start to feel down about our loss is to first bring an image of Ryder to mind. Ryder was (as I said previously) Siggi’s gift to us. He knew how much we were missing him, and sent us this dog. He did not send us a horse because we were not ready to take on another horse. And Ryder is a great dog – very smart, loving, happy – we think that like Mr. Siggi she has an old soul.

Then I next bring an image of Hrimmi to mind. Hrimmi was Signy’s gift to us. She knew that Hrimmi was to be her last foal and wanted us to have her. At the time we promised Signy that Hrimmi would be hers forever, not knowing that our wonderful mare would also pass. Hrimmi is now Siggi’s replacement in that she’s going to be Pete’s number one riding horse two years from now. And she and Pete have a rapport that is similar to what he had with both Siggi and Signy.

So, in keeping of my theme of moving forward, this is what I bring to mind, in order to both better enable Pete and me to deal with an accident that feels like it happened yesterday.

Next: 195. 7/17/14: Competitive Trail Ride Preparations