I am now thinking back a week ago, when she was to get here. Pete had a bad cold, and the house was a mess. I was afraid that if we made trip plans that I would not be able to go with her because I might have a cold then as well. I mentioned this, and she said that colds aren’t serious. What I didn’t say is that they are serious around here.
What I didn’t say was this, and perhaps I should have. I was feeling overwhelmed by project particulars. When I feel overwhelmed, I can’t think ahead or plan things out. So to have to figure out how to get her here – this was one thing too many. Now I realize that she could have rented a car. She did this when she got to Anchorage.
It comes and it goes – when I am overwhelmed, I can’t think ahead much less plan anything. Just getting from here to town and then back, is difficult.
But I hoped that she would come thinking that perhaps she would then better understand what I’m dealing with – a full time volunteer position with a lot of affirmation but no pay. I have created something that is far bigger than I am – this is what I often think.
Lately I’ve been dealing with new volunteers and not always making the right decisions. If El had come here, she would have seen all this. She also would have gotten, in shadowing me, to meet my friends and acquaintances. She would have then returned to Portland knowing me a little better.
I talked to Cathy, the artist in residence, yesterday – we talked about forgiveness, and I thought about El and that I should forgive her. At the same time, I gave some thought to self-forgiveness.
Is it true that if I am not judgmental about others, they won’t be judgmental about me? Does it work this way? And do forgiveness and being judgmental walk hand in hand? If, say, I cease to be judgmental, will I then be forgiving? Now, to go to the example, if I cease to be judgmental about El, will I then be more forgiving? And if I cease to be judgement about me, will I then be more self-forgiving?
The answer is yes. El now has more to worry about because she is returning to Portland where Trump is sending troops. I should and will be kind and compassionate if I ever hear from her again.
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